Crabs are remarkable heroes

A fascinating saying I’ve always admired states that ‘a bird in hand is always better than crabs in your bush’. The result of which made me totally fall in love with these creatures. It made me think as to why the proverbist came up with this all so dandy saying that will now live throughout eternity, much like how Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliette’s eternal tragic love play. It led to people dying just to prove their devotion. Or like Michael Jackson selling his soul to Satan just for the ability to moonwalk. However, this king of darkness treasures black souls much more than white souls, therefore Satan only sold him the reverse gear version of this walk.

Coming back to these creatures, birds are much like any other things that fly, except that they are available in a variety of colours which led to their own haughty couture like parrot fashion. Unlike crabs who come only in two colours. Black and faded black, for Henry Ford once said ‘You can eat a crab that is any colour, as long as it’s black.’ I can remember when I was about 12, I used to visualize myself as a crab on Robin Island. I would climb up the tallest rock and scream out in crabwana(an ancient crab language of the Aztec crab) Hwoenaingfai?!!! Which would mean, ‘ Who’s the crab curry now Biatch?!!!’ Then with my war painted custom armory shell and my bad ass lookin’ pinches that would be the equivalent to Shrek’s nose hair trimming sheers, I would dart for penguins and clip their legs off. Then I would insert a straw that I would pick up from one of the liqui-fruit bottles, and insert it in its anus and blow them up. As soon as they were large enough and would look like fully grown blow up NUNS (I have to admit that some would burst – we not all perfect you know), I would release them and watch them fly at high speeds across the ocean.

The only problem I might encounter is the fact that I’ll only be able to walk sideways. ‘Why do crabs walk sideways?’ some may ask and I shall say to you all,’ why do poor people smell like sour milk?…..They just do man, they just do!!(sigh).’ I feel that the only way to overcome this may be if I smoke large quantities of sea weed, which will result in me walking straight. I would be King and all creatures on land and at sea would hail to me because of my amphibiousness, motivational ability and my gift of unconventional hair trimming.

After I do the Hokey Pokey (which is really what it’s all about), I would do my rounds to the prison cells in order to meet my all time hero, Nelson Mandela. My services to those in the struggle as their personal hair dressers would put me in line for a Nobel peace prize. It might even put me on all famous magazines throughout the world including GQ, Elle & FHM. Opera will definitely interview me. She’ll ask me questions like how life in a high security prison is. That might be tricky since there are advantages like not having to take 2 hours to choose what to wear every morning and getting to meet new and fascinating people. However, on the flip side, if you have really smooth skin I hear other prisoners make you dress up all pretty like and dance for them. The safest option would probably have be to do one of those eighties dances where you just keep your legs still and dance with your arms and upper body and the other prisoners would probably get bored and go and do other things. Alternatively the old man dance where you tense up, shuffle your feet intermittently out of place , complain about the music and sit down for a rest.

I dedicate this to our former president, Nelson Mandela. Happy 92nd birthday Madiba. I picture myself next to you on my long crabwalk to freedom